Okay, kOOks, I've been meaning to post this for a year. Nobody asked for it, but here it is anyway, my treatise on How to Wax a Surfboard.

A good wax job is a beautiful thing. Nothing smells like fresh surf wax. Nothing makes you feel more sure-footed then a freshly combed vista of pristine white paraffin. A new wax job gives you the kind of self-confidence you get when you buy a new wetsuit or board, but it only costs a few measly bucks.

If you've gotten this far without throwing up, but you're still wondering why I'm making such a big fuss about this, then it's quite possible that you've never had a good wax job! If you're on the kOOks List, then you are obviously not one of those poor saps I've seen flailing around on a rental board with a few pathetic globs of wax on the tail and nose. I honestly don't know how any reputable surf shop can send a board out like that. I guess they figure nobody ever learned to surf by renting a board and having at it for a weekend, anyway. So, maybe they think they are saving these suckers a lot of time by renting them an un-waxed board that constantly shoots out from under them like a fresh watermelon pip; thereby making the difficult process of learning to surf all but impossible, and saving everybody a lot of precious time and surf wax in the process.More likely, they're just cheap and lazy.

There are three commonly practiced methods of waxing a board. I only advocate the last of these. Method 1: Get your anal-retentive but manually dexterous friend to wax your board for you. I also refer to this as, "The Bender Method," in honor of my friend and surf mentor, Josh Bender (a.k.a. "Pig Pen," a.k.a. "the Board Breaker," a.k.a. "da Shoe.") Josh simply lets his surf wax turn so black and shiny that I can't stand the look of it anymore and re-wax his board for him out of sheer disgust and pity. This method has the great merit of saving you a lot of effort. Its obvious drawback is that if you don't have an anal-retentive but manually dexterous friend to wax your board for you, you're out of luck. Even if you do have such a valuable friend, you may have to drop a lot of hints to get your board re-waxed in a timely fashion. You may even be forced to result to cajoling. If you have no shame, this will not pose a problem.

If, however, you do have more self-respect than gumption, or you don't know anyone who wants to play Ralph Maccio to your Pat Norita, you may be tempted to employ: Method 2: Quick Humps, Quick Bumps, Really Tacky, Killer Bees or any other "quick" surf wax. I commonly refer to such products as, "that fucking quick humps shit." These waxes have clay or similar substances in them, which makes the wax spread with less time and effort, and "hump up" quickly.

This sounds like a good thing, but there are two problems. First, the long term effects of repeated use of Quick Humps may include hairy palms, weak eyes, hard-to-remove stains, acne, halitosis, loss of friends and self respect, impotence, alcoholism, heartache, broken homes, self-loathing, drug abuse, ideological alignment with Rush Limbaugh, and (in some extreme cases) eternal damnation. Or at least it would if I ran the world. But seriously, there is one major short-term effect to using Quick Humps, and that is their short-term effect. In other words, what goes on easy comes off just as easy.

Folks, I'm not a masochist. I don't have any nostalgia for the "good old days." You won't catch me carving an aipa in my back yard with an obsidian adz in order to maintain the "purity" of the sport. But, so far, there's no substitute for applying a lot of elbow grease and laying down a hard coat of wax. In this case, the old way is definitely better.

So, now I'd like to tell you how I wax a board. I encourage you to give it a try yourself. Believe me, it will be worth the effort.

Method 3: Hard wax and hard work. This is a seven-step method. Six if you don't drink beer. Step 1: Throw away that fucking quick humps shit and buy some real wax. I highly recommend Mr. Zog's Sex Wax for top coats and "Base Coat" for, obviously, base coats. Buy the right hardness of wax for the water temperature. Sex Wax comes in "tropical," "warm," "cool," and "cold." The warmer the temperature, the higher the melting point of the wax. On the East Coast, cool water wax will do fine from July through late September. Use cold water wax the rest of the year. Most of the year, the hardness factor doesn't make that much difference, but if you have cold water wax on your board when you go to, say, Costa Rica in August, your wax will melt off your board even in the water. Conversely, if you have tropical wax on your board while surfing Montauk on Thanksgiving, you won't get enough grip.

Use about one bar of base coat and one bar of top coat for every 5 feet of surfboard. If you can't find base coat wax, you can use a bar of tropical wax instead. If you can't find a surf shop in your area, pick up a surf mag and call a local shop or the manufacturer directly, and have them mail you what you need.

Step 2: Start early! Don't wait until you get to the beach! Do it no later than the day before you go out, preferably at night, or at least in the shade of your back yard. If the waves are good when you get to the beach, you won't want to be sitting there waxing your board.

Step 3: Strip the old wax. In the summer, I just place the board on newspaper in the back yard for about 20 minutes or so and let Mr. Sun do all the hard work. Then I scrape off all the wax with a piece of cardboard or a spatula I keep just for that purpose. In winter, I've resorted to hair dryers and warm water to soften the wax. Be careful not to fry your board with too much heat, or cause pressure dings or delaminations by using too much pressure while scraping. Be especially careful with ultra- lights. If you care about esthetics, you may wish to use "Fire Water" surf wax stripper, or a similar wax remover, to get rid of the last vestiges of dirty wax on your board. This is purely cosmetic. It will not ruin your new wax job if you have some old wax remaining underneath. If you do use a wax stripper, absorb as much of the stripper as you can with paper towels, then rinse your board thoroughly with water before applying the new wax.

IMPORTANT: Make sure the board is on a firm surface, but not one that will scrape the bottom. Grassy lawns are great for the board, but bad on your back. If you put the board on a bench or table, make sure there is something soft underneat it, like foam rubber or lots of towels, and that the weight of the board is distributed evenly. Take the skeg off if it's removable. You don't want any pressure cracks.

Step 4: Apply a base coat. Just like with detailing a car, the quality of your wax job is proportional to the time you are willing to invest in it. Be patient and take your time. You could save a lot of time if you only applied a single top coat, but you won't get your wax job to stick like fly paper unless you put down a base coat. How much time? Your base coat will take twice as long to apply as your top coat.

Your wax job will be better if both the board and the wax STAY COOL, so wax at night or in the shade. Hose the board down to keep it cool if you have to. Also, keep your wax in the refrigerator until you are ready to use it. Technique and patience counts: To get things moving on a pristine deck, simply scrape the wax bar back and forth across the surface to lay down a thin film, just enough so you can feel it with your fingers, or to dull the reflection from the glass. Use a light touch. Don't try to spread it like it's peanut butter. After you've got a thin film down, start moving the bar in a tight circular motion, covering an area about the size of a pancake before moving on.

Rotate the bar frequently. If it starts to smear, use a different section of the bar, or stick the bar back in the fridge and use a new one for a while. Keep waxing a small section at a time until the wax starts to bead. This is what you are looking for. Beading is the hallmark of a good wax job. You want your wax to be bumpy for better grip under foot. With the base coat, the beads will look like small warts or acne, (Agh! Flash back to high school!), as you put on more wax, the beads will start to become larger humps.

Don't linger on one section too long, or you will create heat, which makes for warmth, which is counter-productive right now. Keep moving around the board. To keep things even, wax in rows, like you were mowing a lawn. Wax nose to tail, rail to rail, then diagonally. Don't quit until you've used up the entire bar and covered all surfaces.

Step 5: Have a beer. You've just completed the hardest part of the job and your arms should be pretty tired by now.

Step 6: Apply the top coat. This is just like Step 4, with the exception of the first part where you smeared the wax on to get things started. Stick to circular motions here. It will be easier and faster, because you are using a softer wax. Don't stop until you've used the entire bar. Again, for short boards, you will need one bar each of base and top coat. Fun boards and long boards will need two to two and a half each.

Step 7: Comb the wax. Use a broad-toothed surf comb for this. If you can't find one, buy a sturdy Afro pick. Drag the comb slowly and methodically so you create grooves instead of smearing your humps. Just like with the wax, comb nose to tail, rail to rail, then diagonally. Voila! You're finished! I know it's a lot of work, but believe me, once you've had a good wax job, you'll never want to settle for anything less.