This summer has been a bust wavewise. Although four named storms ascended past the 35th parallel, they were all short-lived and essentially weak. Spring brought many more consistent swells and we can only hope that fall will do the same. Here's the whole grim story, as it unfolded:

Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 From: barney Subject: Re: Sunday was copacetic in NY

Dave, Barney and Brad checked the Pencil at RM in the late afternoon. Barney had some notion that the bars there would be working on the high tide. They were, but the WNW wind was making it pretty wooly.

The crew turned around and headed back to west Lido, near the nipple building, where the line of highrises on the beach create a bit of a wind block. The wind was still howling at 5 pm when the boys finally got in the water, but the building's were doing their bit and the 5-ft waves were relatively clean in the wind's shadow. Barney said that maybe they'd get an evening glass-off. Dave, who knew these things only happened in California, laughed in his face.

With only a couple of other guys in the water, the Kooks had plenty of waves and a few good rides. With a moderate longshore current and a fast rip along the jetty, the break took on an amusment park aspect as the riders rode the rip out, drifted through the lineup snagging what waves they could, caught one to the beach, walked back and did it again.

Dave, who henceforth shall be called Mr. Ryan, made the most circuits; Brad preferred to headbut the sets and paddle out without the aid of the rip; and Barney took a nap on the beach for awhile.

About an hour before sunset the wind started to drop. The waves started to get all smooth. The tide turned and began its ebb. Brad and Barney surfed till they were tired and waited for Mr. Ryan by the jetty. Mr. Ryan hooked a nice left, steered the 9'6" thru an actual cutback, but failed to make the inside, shorebreak tube section.

As the sun began to set over the condos, and the Kooks dragged their sodden selves back to the car, the local ratpack came charging onto the sand. The locals had made the right call: in the half-hour of light left, they would be ripping perfect evening glass.

Date: Thu, 8 May 1997 To: Mr. Ryan From: barney Subject: Re: Another U-boot Kook.

>but remember gerd, barney has first dibs on running you over and/or dropping in on what would have been your best wave of the session.

Yea, yea, Just line em up. I'll take care of the rest.

Navy wave model looks good for Saturday 5/10. You got that Nikonos yet, Davo? We could make a full media event out of the next session, call a press conference or something.

Speaking of waves, did you catch it Tuesday am? Bouy reports looked pretty good for a few hours in the morning. Barney, unfortunately, has devoted the next few weeks of his life to updating his lame and useless website. But vanity must be served.

The surf at Montauk this weekend past was total slop (mr. ryan has the embarrassing details on videotape). The water, however, was beautiful, clear and green.

Date: Fri, 30 May 1997 From: barney Subject: Re: surf, and hurricanes

>someone... anyone... tell me that there's going to be surf this weekend... please.. I NEED TO SURF!!!!

Well, my resident wave gurus think there'll be a little swell. So I'm going out to Montauk to investigate. mr. ryan will likely be in the water as well, frightening the groms with that bargelike longboard. Speaking of Montauk, does anybody know what happened to Tony C.'s shop, Real Surfers? There's a beauty salon where the surf shop used to be.

Also, in case you missed it, here's the list of hurricane names for the 1997 Atlantic season: Ana, Bill, Claudette, Danny, Erika, Fabien, Grace, Henri, Isabel, Juan, Kate, Larry.

I'm betting on Grace and Isabel to drop some real swell on the NE.

see ya in the water

Date: Fri, 30 May 1997 From: barney Subject: Re: A Mess o' nerves

Verry interesting. Zis appears to be a classic vave anxiety dream.

>John W. wrote: >I even had one of my increasingly frequent frustrating surfing dreams last night. ... At one point I >was duckdiving on my way out, and after popping up I looked down beneath my stomach and there was sponge sort of between me and the board. Go figure. I was on a board and a sponge at the same time. I've never tried a sponge in real life though. Anyway, later I was on the streetcar in S.F., Muni (like the T in Boston), on which I relied to get me to the beach a few times when I was temporarily carless at one point out there. I used to take my board on Muni to the beach during light traffic times. And in this dream, I noticed that this chick I met on the train was standing on my brand new board, which was laying fins down on the floor sort of behind some seats. To my horror, this not only snapped the fins, it somehow snapped the board in half. I was pretty bummed. * * *

Mit der sponge, you seek to protect yourself from der surf. But you are still immersed in zis element, der ocean vhen you make der duck-dive. Und da fact zhat you are alvays travellink but not arrivink, suggests an uvillingness to engage the element -- Da Mutter Ocean.

Alzo dis ting vit da woman: zis is a variant of da wagina dentata phobia. Except in dis case der surf board is not in her, but in da autobus und she takes your surf-board -- vich as ve all know is an extention of za pee-pee -- und she snaps it off. Ouch!

Fortunately der diagnoses is simple: you need to a) surf more or b) fuck more. Probably both. Good luck. -- Carl (barney) Jung

Date: Mon, 2 Jun 1997 From: barney Subject: montauk surf

weekend surf at montauk was pretty good.

saturday am: waist high and sectioning over some sandbars off the Old Montauk Highway

saturday pm: disorganized swell at Ditch, but linking outside and inside sections on the set waves -- maybe shoulder high.

sunday am: mysto fog action with waist to chest swell and oily smooth water, at sandbar ____ . inside section over the bar was kind of racy. stayed in the water from 9:30 am until noon, when the wind began to kick up. many good waves had by barney & mr. ryan, other lazy assed surfers showed up too late.

sunday pm: same spot, shoulder high swell chopped up by east wind and really short rides, just a drop, because water was too high over sandbar. surfed with longboarder/wildman josh b.

monday am: strong ENE winds blew everyplace out except sandbar. swell looked to be waist to shoulder. not too bad, but in a cold rain, not all that inviting either. decided to skip it and drive home.

Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 From: barney Subject: wave alert

Ding! Ding! Ding! This is your wake-up call.

LI's south shore is going off! FI Bouy was at 10ft, 10 seconds at 8 am this morning. Lido surf report said "perfect, head-high to overhead." Bunger report said "best it's been all week."

I'm heading out to Demos, should get there around 10 am, as the tide starts to drop. You'll know barney is there if you see a beat-to shit Nissan with VT plates in the westernmost lot at RM.

If any of you kooks are wondering what to do today, I can tell you in one word: SURF. See ya out there.

Thursday, June 5, 10 am-1 pm Tide: ebbing Swell: head high to overhead on the sets; easterly Wind: light offshore in the morning, swinging south (onshore) by noon Water temp: mid 50s -- no gloves, no booties Crowd: six stoked surfers

At 8 am this morning the Fire Island bouy was reading 10 ft at 10 seconds; surf reports all confirmed excellent conditions and the wind was dead still. The sky was blue and the guy on the radio said the temperature would climb into the 70s by midday. It was the first real day of summer after a long, cold spring.

On the walk out to the point, the swell looked disorganized, but the jetty was doing its thing -- lining up fast, wedging lefthanders. Only two guys in the water when I got there. A longboarder showed up as I was pulling on the 4/3 and another guy with long hair was standing on shore waiting for a lull.

The shorebreak was ugly and the current inside was running fast to the west. Timed the lull right and used the sweep to carry me out to the lineup with a minimum of struggle. Outside, which was much further out that usual because of surfeit of sand, it was calm and relatively easy to hold position.

There was only one guy in the lineup when I got there; his bud had hooked up with a left that took him so far down the line, we couldn't see him anymore. When we did catch sight of him, paddling slowly back up the point, the first guy started laughing. "Hey, you shoulda walked back," he yelled to his bud. The paddler sat up on his board, rubbing his shoulders. "Did you see me?" he said, "That thing kept going!" "Yea, yea," the first guy laughed as he paddled into position for set wave.

It went like that. Laughing, hooting and trading waves. The two guys on shore joined us and later a skinny guy with big ears paddled out to snag a few bomb waves. It was hard not to be stoked -- real swell, warmer water and long, long rides. The best waves probably had 200+ yards of wall to work with. My best rides weren't that long, but they were fast and fun.

The tide dropped and the wind shifted onshore, but the swell held. The other guys got their last rides and left the water one by one. I stayed in, struggling for that last good ride. Got swatted by a couple of set waves and finally lined up for a solid left. It wasn't pretty, but it was enough.

On the drive back to Brooklyn, I stopped at Gilgo to see how it was breaking. Sometimes that place is like a time warp. On this particular Thursday you had the boaters pulled up at the dock, the old guy longboarders hanging out on the deck of the Inn and a radio turned up loud, playing a song by Creedence Clearwater Revival.

On the beach a gang of film types were shooting a commercial. Light screens, reflectors, sound booms and a camera all aimed at a preternaturally pretty girl in a tiny bikini. She was wearing a straw hat and sandals and the wind kept blowing her brown hair across her face. The girl stood poised amidst all this attention like Bottecelli's Venus just stepped off the seashell. When the director yelled "Action," she took a few steps forward, smiled a thousand-watt smile and said, "Instantly stops irritation and smooths away those bumps." Her hands made the most delicate of gestures below her waist, part unveiling and part offering. Venus's delta had been shaved to a mere peninsula to conform to the tiny bikini and this cream or ointment was going to smooth away the nasty aftermath of the deforestation. It made you want to get up close to see if the stuff really worked. The director shouted "Cut" and she took a few steps back to await her cue.

The swell was still coming in, but the wind had blown it to mush. A few kooks were paddling around in it anyway. I turned to go. Venus stepped up to the plate for another run through. She smiled another perfect smile and said, "Instantly stops irritation and smooths away those bumps."

One guy I met out at Demo Point carried a cell phone out to the beach just in case he needed to call in some VIN numbers, or ring up the Coast Guard to collect the motorized flotsam (or would that be jetsom?). Unfortunately the CG doesn't always have a cruiser handy to corral yahoos on floating skidoos. Maybe if this guy put the lifeguard's number on his speed-dial ...

Or maybe a couple of piles of ciderblocks could be sunk in the lineup with floating lines attached. That way when a herd of the mechanized morons buzzed thru, alert surfers could grab the floating lines and lasso the pests. It could become a required part of the waterman's repetoire -- swimming, surfing, diving and roping. A rodeo feature could also liven up somewhat staid surfing contests ... I'll phone the ASP.

Date: Mon, 16 Jun 1997 To: D R From: barney Subject: Re: weekend past

Hey D., Did ya get anything at Montauk this weekend? I surfed Newport, Narragansett and Coast Guard Beach on the Cape this weekend, and got nothing better than knee-high slop. On the plus side, I saw a bunch of old college friends and even got one of them in the water. She may become a surfer yet.

Haven't seen any forecasts for the week coming, but this high pressure system should squelch most local wave action. Have you heard any different?

To: M. From: barney Subject: Re: surf dream

Surf psychosis takes some strange forms.

Last night, after a waveless weekend, I had a brief surf-related dream. I was on a bus, going nowhere, leafing through a surf mag, when I came across a picture of a body surfer making the drop on a big righthander -- like Todos Santos or something. The lip was throwing out and the vortex of the tube seemed to draw me in. I shouted and showed the pic to the guy sitting in back of me, who seemed suitably impressed. That's it.

An amateur self-diagnosis sugggests that I'm suffering from summer wave-withdrawal and that I have become alienated from the ocean. This dream was tantamount to dreaming about centerfold girls instead of real women. In other words, I'm in big trouble.

Date: Mon, 7 Jul 1997 From: barney Subject: Montauk report 7/4,5,6

took the night train out to montauk to meet mr. ryan and ana. walked by the shebeen at 4:20 am, just after last call. looks like that's the late-night spot in this town -- there was a big crowd of amiable drunks staggering from the parking lot into the predawn glow. let myself into ryan's ranch as the birds began the morning convocation.

three hours later we were checking the usual spots. ana had kicked up a swell, but the ditch was a hash, blown out by the west wind. so my ryan and barney joined every other surfer on the east end at turtle cove. There were about 30 people in the water, the waves were head-high, mostly long rights and a few short lefts, all nicely shaped by the offshore wind. owing to the traffic, the kooks didn't get many waves, but it was great to actually *see* waves again.

in the early afternoon on friday, we met nikki and nuy (pronounced new-ee) at the train station. these two hawaiian girls live in the city and had expressed an interest in surfing new york, so we grabbed the gear and rolled down to the ditch. it was a mob scene: dogs, kids, bikinis, a chorus of longboard poseurs lolling on the sand and a raft of hapless flotsam thrashing around in the water. the hawaiians looked dismayed. "What's this place called?" nikki asked. "Ditch plains," barney said, "let's get out of here."

we hiked down to ____ instead. from the cliffs it looked perfect -- head-high, offshore and no one out. nikki suited up and paddled out; nuy stayed on the beach. outside it wasn't as lined up as it looked from above -- it was peaky with only short rides in either direction -- not enough swell to make it work properly. after a respectable amount of thrashing, we all hiked back up the bluffs, had a look at turtle cove (much smaller, but lined up and still working) and went home for some BBQ. the girls took the evening train back to town and barney and mr. ryan returned to the ditch for a silly shorebreak session at sunset.

saturday morning found barney and mr. ryan ripping up the little walls over the reef just east of the ditch. it was about waist high, offshore and crowded.

around noon, mr. ryan talked the wife into coming down to the beach with us. we went on a 4-wheeling adventure in mr. ryan's little honda and ended up on some cliffs looking down on a sparsely populated beach and pretty green water. the wind was light onshore, but it was still possible to get some rides in what was now a 3-foot swell.

Sunday was even smaller, but we went out to the ditch in the morning anyway. in the arvo we went to the overlook to paddle around the crumbly sandbar waves that occasionally rolled in.

took the evening train home. hurricane ana turned out to be a bit of a tease, but she made for a great weekend anyhow.

Date: Mon, 14 Jul 1997 From: barney Subject: Re: Bill ?... Bill done gone

>Some 10 s period waves came by early today, nice lines.... and then it all went away. >Ana? Bill?.... >This is becoming a cruel joke.

It is cruel.

Sunday am I drove out to Robt. Moses loaded for bear. Had the 7'2" pintail gun and my crutch, the 7'11" Stewart egg, just in case. One look at the surf and I was glad I brought the egg. In the morning it was waist-high shorebreak on the incoming tide. It was fun, but a little unnerving finishing rides in 8 inches of water.

Date: Fri, 18 Jul 1997 From: barney Subject: Re: Storms 4 & 5

Re: Danny and Erika. Danny will probably ground out, but Erika is in position to deliver.

Anybody see any signs of that southern fetch swell yet? Will probably try to catch some of it Saturday, in that churning maelstom of grommets out at Robert Moses. Maybe if I sacrificed a few of those kids it would bring the surf up

To: nysurf From: barney Subject: Re: Surfing the home break

M, Yea, I guess there's a reason that there are more committed surfers on the West Coast. I don't like crowds, but this summer wave drought is enough to get me thinking about finding a job somewhere in Ventura County near the coast. But it's bound to get better in late summer. And September and October on the East Coast are always good.

Ironically, I'm going out to Northern California on Labor Day weekend -- when the East almost always has waves. I'm bringing a board and leaving myself a few days to explore the Sonoma/Mendicino coast. You ever surf up there? Any breaks I must check in NorCal?

Glad you liked the page. If you have any suggestions for my next Web-update, I'd like to hear them. Meanwhile, hope you score some decent NY surf.

Date: Wed, 23 Jul 1997 From: barney Subject: Re: real kooks and etiquette

D, I can see this localism thing is getting ugly.

If you'd already called out your traditional greeting at the Ditch, "LEFT GODDAMIT!", and he still dropped in, perhaps a brief tete a tete was in order. But beating him about the head and shoulders is something better left to the barbarians in Southern California. After all, you wouldn't want people on the East End to mistake you for new money.

Remember, the Ditch has always been a breeding ground for kooks and that summer is almost over. That could be your new mantra: "Summer Is Al-most Over." Repeat it when you are tempted bash some hapless piece of flotsam who is only trying to learn how to surf.

And at least you had waves to ride. Last weekend on western Long Island was flat, flat, flat. I couldn't even bring myself to watch surf videos, it was just too depressing.

Summer Is Almost Over

Date: Thu, 24 Jul 1997 To: Letters*SI@cis.compuserve.com From: barney Subject: RE: "The Jet Set" 7/21/97

Jack McCallum's humble plea for jet skier's rights (Point After, July 21) overlooks the obvious argument that the rights of the few shouldn't always supercede the rights of the many. Personally, I think it would be a blast to ride my dirt bike over the local public golf courses, but there are a great many golfers who would think otherwise.

As a longtime East Coast surfer, I can tell you that jet skis are reviled by watermen everywhere. Not only because this motorized flotsam is typically piloted by clueless yahoos who are a hazard to boaters and swimmers alike, but because the high-pitched whine of their engines and the acrid smoke they emit is exactly the kind of din we had hoped to escape at the shore.

States like New Hampshire and Maine, which are taking steps to ban this waterborne plague, and the British Virgin Islands, which has outlawed jet skis entirely, have recognized that Mr. McCallum's right to "push my start button and feel the wind in my face" shouldn't impinge on everybody else's freedom to enjoy a day at the beach.

Date: Sat, 26 Jul 1997 To: dr From: barney Subject: Re: weekend waves

I caught it this (Fri) morning at Rockaway. If I'd gotten up earlier, I would have gone to Demos, where, I'll wager, it was firing from 8-11 am. Rockaway was pretty good -- head high and perfect shape when I arrived at noon. But the damn rangers had cordoned off most of the beach so the only two beaches open had 40 surfers jockeying for the peak. And some of the closed beaches had far better peaks.

You must have caught it good Friday am -- where'd you go out?

Good luck with the rest of the wknd. I'm going out to the Pencil at RM and take what I get.

Date: Tue, 12 Aug 1997 To:KC
From: barney
Subject: Re: 10-12

>Cape Cod: 10-12 ft sets mixed with head high sets, solid perfectly clean the whole (yes, the whole) day.

WHAT !!??!
NY bouys were reading 2 and 3 foot all weekend. Where'd these waves come from? Did anybody else catch this stuff, or has KC finally snapped?

Date: Mon, 25 Aug 1997 To: dr
From: barney
Subject: Re: montauk

dr, so, how'd it go out at he ranch? J. and i went out to rm3 on saturday and caught some weak sloppy waves and stayed in town sunday, doing city things. but i was wondering all weekend if you guys were getting anything out east.

did a horde of kooks show up, or did diminishing conditions squelch that plan, too?

three more days and i'll be surfing sonoma and mendecino. still undecided on board choice. just want to bring one board, and i want it to be the chip, but i'll have to watch pt. arena bouy reports carefully before making the call. whatever i get out west, you can mark my words that you will have waves labor day weekend here in the east. i'll miss those, but look forward to catching a few in september and october.

Date: Wed, 27 Aug 1997

Subject: gone west

Have a great Labor Day weekend in the Atlantic. I'm sure there'll be some waves -- there's always waves on Labor Day. I'm off to NorCal for an extended weekend (Sonoma and Mendecino counties), so I'll miss whatever's going on here in the East.

I was dubious abt. catching anything this time of year in NorCal, but GEOS 9 is showing a hefty looking cyclone parked between Hawaii and Mexico, so there's something to hope for. Will post the full report after I conduct the coastal survey.

Auf Weidersein, baby